Rising Tides

Rising Tides
The feeling of uneasiness is on the rise.. for me anyways.
And it has been rising since I landed in Canada like a dripping tap.
Perhaps its not even a rising tide that is occurring, maybe its Chinese drip torture

No matter what it is. There are drips. They are rising in numbers and they are torturing me.
The drips are translucent and when you look through them you see a blurred picture of what's really behind them - the source. I can feel the drops. I can feel them coming and I can feel them mounting. But I can only see a blurred picture of the source.

And this is why, with no particular conclusion in mind I am blogging again.
While I was regular in reflecting on my experiences in Kenya I have not allowed myself the opportunity to do so since back here at home. Of course for a long list of reasons, as their always is when your not doing what you want to be doing, are a clear to me in this circumstance. Puzzling though, is how I, and I am sure many others, have thought- in an moment lacking much reflection that life in Kenya was much more interesting and worth while to blog about then that in Canada (especially being my place of birth similar to many of my readers).

Yet, what was in Kenya as well as my existence there were clear to me. So to were my feelings and reactions. Here, at home this is no longer the case, and really never has been. And here, in the most simplistic of ways, leaning my realities side by side, it would appear something's up with life in Canada, and it needs to recognized. I am now only more concern and more puzzled about my identity. And this is not solely because of my experience abroad being contrasted to life here but truly by... life here. I am concern about being puzzled and puzzled about being concerned.

It might be thought that I just don't know what I want in life. But I do in fact. What I want in life is inner happiness and peace of mind. When it comes down that is all I want. I'm sure that things like good health is something I desire - but again - only if it brings inner happiness and peace of mind - because, yes, that's all that really matters to me.

People out there? Do you want peace of mind and inner happiness as much as I do? Can you ever imagine sieving through all the shit out there to make life all about peace of mind and inner happiness? It's what I dream about, but in reality there is a lot of shit out there that must be sieve out to achieve this, and perhaps removing all of it is just to large of an aspiration. But how close can one get?

While away in Kenya, I was able to think about my life as it existed in Canada in a very positive light. However I believed it was framed through the areas in which those I met in Kenya found value, such as education, government and job opportunities, in which Canada's resume was pretty sparkling. And yes, thank goodness for all of these things for they have opened the doors for many of us, but perhaps they haven't brought us to greener pastures in every way.

I have been leading and participating in a program called UNLEARN here at the University of Waterloo, in a community where educational resources are of plenty and job opportunities are well aligned. But what about the people? Many of the people are depressed, stressed out and in many ways unhappy. While UNLEARN gave me an opportunity to hear people share their insecurities, pains and frustrations, I always knew these existed in my peer community. How did I forget about what lay in front, beside and behind the golden door of opportunity in Canada. Pain and suffering still exists in Canada, but it is not decorated and shown off as opportunity is. However it is the exact opposite for Kenya as pain and suffering are decorated and shown to the world while opportunity remains hidden by the spotlighted gloom.

I believe I feel the rising tide and the pain of the drops in some ways because I have come home to the land of the golden door and left the land of the spotlighted gloom - only to feel as though I have left the land of a golden door opening to peace of mind and inner happiness and entered the world of hidden gloom.

I don't believe I have yet to explore or understand all of my sources of uneasiness but the things are becoming a little more clear.