Although I am what I would call an emotional person… and maybe even sometimes an emotional train wreck in times of great disaster, I have a great deal of trouble understanding my emotions. Often I see them as things that just come and ‘are’. But I recognize there is much more behind these feelings to understand, and if I could better understand them I might be able to become a stronger person in the process. Sometimes understanding my boundaries can only come with being pushed into them and then reflecting on the emotional turmoil that ensues. This process of understanding myself is slow and cannot be rushed for it must come naturally in time.
As of current I am not receiving the mark which I need to pass my current beyond borders course (currently dependent on my blog) and on which rides my opportunity to volunteer abroad, and do what fills me with life and passion. And while I am not horribly shocked at this news (as I know to receive a good mark I should probably be writing longer blogs, build upon more critique or deep creative thinking and come up with these things in a more timely fashion) I am crying…
I am sure my tears are screaming to me… “LOOK this is the real Emma – and she’s crying because she wants to you accept who she is and what she feels”. I found myself in a similar situation last term with our Beyond Borders course – on the cusp of losing this experience because my mark was not high enough. Notably, I do know these marks are attainable, and I know I have poured energy and time into lots of other things I am passionate about and that I have found success from those endeavors – but in this case, for this placement that means so much for me, I have continually struggled to do the same.
And now I think I have confronted why (perhaps this is really only the tip of the ice burg –but for me cracking the top was a big breakthrough) I have acted this way. I have never quite believed in our academic school system, nor have I enjoyed the academic structure, on most occasions. It forces me to learn in ways I don’t and prepares me for a work force I don’t truly want to be part of. It is structured, guided and to relate to the methods used in achieving many of the Millennium Development Goals a rather ‘blanket’ approach to learning – where one size is assumed to fits all. It is not experiential or natural. But if we look at the world and the people in it, besides scientific proof this world is entirely relative and diverse. Where each persons’ norms, experiences and abilities vary greatly, and between them definitions and realities vary, whether it is what loneliness is, what success is, what family is for or practically any other thing you could think of. The disconnect from what I believe is fitting of an education and the system I am involved in are for the large majority of the time two contradictory processes. Why I am here at the University is a whole other complicated issue.
I think my love for experiential and natural education which suites the individual was why I was drawn to the beyond borders program (along with an opportunity to volunteer and assist people in the developing world which is what I wish to do with my life if I can make it work), and why I was in tears seeing this mark. (since the start of this blog they have subsided – now replaced with a overly tense and frustrated forehead). I wanted a natural, perhaps academically guided by not academically focused learning experience and I feel like that experience is not quite there. I wanted to escape from the rules and just learn because I genuinely want to and help others because I genuinely want to and grow because I genuinely want to. Now I feel like the rules are inescapable and such an experience doesn’t exist – and thus my desired experience doesn’t exist and I’m back to conforming and following the rules and guidelines.
I'm not sure if this system is in place because there truly area prerequisites to helping and that I need to think critically and put on good presentations to make the cut… and if so if I will meet the standards OR if this is just an academic institution making its rules. But again I feel lost. I think I am avoiding doing what I need do to get the mark I need to go to Kenya because I feel like I am back in the system I thought I was escaping and it is this system which is making me continually hesitant to become invested in my placement as much as I truly desire to be.
I hope I am not rambling on incoherently – and if I am please forgive me.
I wrote this blog for a couple of reasons: so that I could try to understand why I am feeling this way, so that I could be visually confronted with my feelings and why I feel they exist as I write them down, and to maybe connect to a few people who understand where I am coming from and have some of these same or similar feelings – so that they don’t have to feel so alone and misunderstood.
My question still stands – and now potentially more so than before – am I the one who needs to adapt to the workings of our Western society or is there value in the system of action and learning which I desire?
What impresses me is your honesty. These blogs are meant to be a window into our Beyond Borders experience and the lessons we are learning before we go on our journey. Quite simply, I think this blog was an honest portrayal of your fears about getting into the program. As long as you balance this honest learning which you desire with the critical thinking needed for the course, I think you will do fine.
ReplyDeleteEmma, be brave and be strong. I think the blogs are a dreaded part for most of us, myself included. Marks are important but I don't think it's necessarily the system that is holding us back. Every week, I try to think of something to write about and I think that's what Joanne is trying to get us to do. To think about what we're writing and really connect with something that means something to us, or something that we have learned during the week. Learning is not necessarily through the lens of a book, I think learning is experiential, like you noted, and that is what we'll discover. You can do it! This post is honest and hits close to home for me, personally. Normally getting good marks is pretty easy but I find myself challenged and even getting some marks in this class I'm not too satisfied with -- but it's a challenge for me and for you. Let's do it together!
ReplyDeleteWhat an honest blog! I don't think I could have been this honest on a blog but kudos to you for doing it! You will succeed! I have faith in you! And judging by the two previous comments and my own, you've got a support system to support you.
ReplyDeleteI also believe this is a very clever blog and you made it so quite deliberately. Try reaching beyond the mindset of 'the system' or you 'needing to adapt' and get beyond it. Harder said than done. Good Luck!
Sebastien :)
I have to make my apology public here Emma because, as you now know, I blew it with your grade status. I had a bad link to your blog that did not show any of the entries beyond your initial posting - no new updates, nothing for January at all! You got feedback that was not fair or accurate and then you had to sit with that until I figured out what was happening. I'm sorry about that, but perhaps there is some good learning there too? This post was a good way to process the experience and I admire your courage in putting it out there.
ReplyDeletethank you all for your comments - they have all reached deep into my heart and while my mark may have been a fluke I think many great things have come out of it - self discovery and regained focus.
ReplyDelete